Breathing deeply, Walking backwards

Last night, a conversation with someone very dear to me brought to my attention several attributes of my life worth noting. The first, I have changed quite a bit in the last year or so. The second, everything around me has changed quite a bit in the last year or so. The third, at the weathered and seasoned age of 21, I find myself reminiscing about the "good old days," wondering about old friends, and wondering what life would be like if change had never entered the picture. This can't be it, right? I mean, the "good old days", they haven't ended. Some of them haven't even begun.

So why do I find myself wanting to walk backwards? 

Walls and paper notes

I've had a hard time recently coming up with anything to write about. So here's something cool:

Microsoft is lending a helping hand to students once again, this time in the form of a major discount on it's new OS, Windows 7. You can now obtain an upgrade copy of Windows 7 Home Premium or Professional for just $30. I myself downloaded a copy, so I can vouch for its validity.

http://www.win741.com/

    I realized today, upon receiving a plane ticket for my first trip to Las Vegas, that my time in Chattanooga is limited. I knew this was coming, but it didn't become real to me until today. I know it's the right move, and no, I'm not having second thoughts. I'm just really going to miss the life I've built for myself here. I'm also going to miss the Thanksgiving get-together with my family again this year, so they're not too happy with me ;)

Home Theater PC (sorta)

Ok, so I just built my first computer dedicated to media use. Now, before I go on, you should know that this machine was built out of extremely old spare parts I had lying around. Thus, it's not a cutting edge technology. That being said, it does some cool stuff. Here's the specs:

Pentium 4 1.6ghz

512mb SDRAM PC133 

7200rpm 40gb Maxtor HDD (At least 8 years old)

500gb Seagate external HDD

64mb ATI Radeon 9000 AGP video card

Windows XP sp3 

The point of this build was to be able to play music and movies on my Television. More than that, though, I wanted to be able to stream online content (i.e. Netflix or Hulu) to my television without the need for major geek intervention. This is not a true HTPC (Home Theater PC), for it lacks the capability to record/playback live TV and the ability to reproduce digital surround audio tracks. 

For streaming online content, I've found the beta software Zinc (made by ZeeVee) to be very useful. It's basically a stripped down version of Mozilla Firefox designed for content streaming. It has plug-ins that work for a host of channels, including ABC, Fox, CNN, Netflix, Hulu, etc. It is also capable of receiving streams from media websites that host RSS feeds, such as ABCfamily.com

For local media (i.e. videos stored on the hard drive) I find it much easier to run Boxee. Boxee is based on the popular media center software XBMC (Xbox Media Center) but has completely rebuilt the interface. It too has the capability of streaming web content, though it is much more limited, and it has music support for Pandora and LastFM. When playing music from internet sources, it will show track and artist information inside of a full screen visualization software. Boxee is still in Alpha testing stage, and I'm looking forward to testing its upcoming releases.

Freezer? lol

Meg: I found it.

Me: Where?

Meg: Freezer.

Me: Freezer?

Meg: I really don't know.

TECH TIME

... Not to be confused with Tool Time, because I don't do tools, and well, let's face it, nobody man-grunts like Tim Allen...

I've run across several pieces of new (free) software this week, so I thought I'd share.

Digsby- www.digsby.com - Digsby is an instant messaging client that works with literally anything. MSN, Y!, AIM, GTALK, FACEBOOK, MYSPACE, IRC, ICQ, XMPP, you name it. Also has the ability to show Facebook feeds and send SMS messages.

Evernote- www.evernote.com- Evernote is a note taking application that syncs itself to all of your computers, an account on their website, and even your cell phone. Photos, articles, or just writing down your ideas, Evernote will help you remember and organize all of your thoughts. One of my favorite features of Evernote is the web clipper application. It automatically snaps, crops, and saves screenshots of your computer into Evernote. Very handy tool for bloggers.

Dropbox- www.dropbox.com- Kind of along the same lines as Evernote, Dropbox is a syncronized folder application. Basically, here's how it works: You have a folder on your desktop call My Dropbox. You put a file in that folder, Dropbox automatically uploads the file to its internet server, then downloads the file to all of your computers that have Dropbox installed. There is a 2 gig limit, but for documents and pictures, that's really all you need.

Opera 10- www.opera.com- O.k., so this isn't a new discovery, but definitely deserves an honorable mention. Opera is a web browser that I used several years ago (version 7, I think?). I gave it up when Firefox 3 was released. Recently, Firefox has been having serious memory leak issues, so I decided to see what the makers of Opera were up to. Lo and behold, version 10. The number 1 sleekest, fastest, and resource friendliest browser I have ever used. Tabbed browsing, speed dial start page, turbo engine for slow networks, high compatibility, and the ability to identify itself as another type of browser (i.e. Firefox) for those site that have stupid web developers writing code to block other browsers. Definitely 10 steps up from Internet Explorer 8, which is still have compatibility issues with sites that are written for it (Microsoft.com doesn't even fully render in IE8), and trumps Firefox in resource usage. A must have for any internet junkie.

The time has come for colds and overcoats...

     It's a fact: I love cold weather. Autumn came so abruptly this year, I almost didn't even realize it was happening. Yet, here we are, with mild days and chilly nights, multi-colored trees and mugs of hot drinks. It's strange, but I feel that, in the face of leaving all of this behind, I'm experiencing the fall weather of Chattanooga for the first time in my life. I had to winterize my bedroom last night, flannel sheets and a space heater and the whole sh-bang. It's caused me to once again take a step back and realize that I live the good life, everyday.

     It's a strange sensation, the possibility of giving up the comfort of my southern home to pursue my life's dream out west. The South is all I've ever known. The trees and mountains and decidedly indecisive weather have been consistent throughout my existence. It's not that I'm second guessing myself for leaving, its just that I'm not looking forward to the prospect of adjusting. On the other hand, perhaps such adjustment is exactly what's needed for me to break free of this gripping complacency I'm constantly fighting. Perhaps I need a change.

    

Every line is about who I don't wanna write about anymore

So I guess it's safe to say that my adventures in blog-space have been on hiatus for a while. I guess I just don't know what to write about. People say you just put your thoughts into words and let people read them. Well, maybe that's what I'll do. 

And every breath you drew was hallelujah...

I need to post this. I want you to laugh at my stupidity, and to forgive my apathy...

I had a screaming match with God tonight. I don't really know what brought it on, but I went to the graveyard, lit a cigarette, and started yelling. I asked the question "why" to a myriad of different topics, and honestly, I feel as though I got some answers. Most importantly, though, I asked forgiveness. Not just a general "forgive me, Lord", but a blatant confession of everything that popped in my mind (and I gotta tell you, the list was a lot longer than I had expected).

I asked forgiveness for my detachment from Him, first of all. I forgiveness towards my apathy towards people, for my criticisms and cynicism and sarcasm and blatant disrespect of anyone who had anything to do with a halfway traditional belief system. I asked forgiveness for my lack of love, the one trait I preach so fervently, or at least I used to, before I stopped caring...

I asked forgiveness for doubt, my lack of faith, my lack of ambition,for my complacency, for wasting the talents He has given me, for taking credit for those talents as my own. I asked forgiveness for not praying, for not studying, for not believing.

I spent a good amount of time asking for humility. I'm pretty sure He laughed at me.

At this point He began to show me things that needed to be forgiven. Top of the list? Meg.

A woman is to be treated as precious, as fragile, with the respect of a queen. In such matters I have failed so miserably it pains me to think about it. I've been too wrapped up in my own shit to notice.

For not listening. For not understanding. For not motivating. For treating her as property. For expecting her to do as I say. For my pride. For my apathy. For my words.

I then prayed for the students and faculty of TTU. I prayed that they would see past the facades and fraudulence of the pastors and preachers of chapel, that they could see past the commercialism, the capitalism, the impassionate and ill-informed "evangelists" that are in front of them all the time. I prayed that they could see the love of some of the teachers at the school. I prayed for revival.

I have to be honest, I haven't cried that hard in months. For the first time in a long time, I feel like Jesus and I are on the same page. I just hope it can stay this way for a little while...


"I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah"
-Leonard Cohen, Hallelujah

Open Mouth, Insert Foot...

Back in January I wrote about my experience at my parents house, making the comment that I could never live there again.

It seems fate has different plans...

Should I bite my tongue until blood soaks my shirt... I'll never fall apart so tell me why this hurts so much

Days in time
Time in my life
This life I just can't seem to get right...

Everytime I think I'm on top of everything, I fall off
And I end up right back where I started...

It's been a really bad day.

Another week away, my greatest fear, I need the smell of summer I need its noises in my ear

Less than a week until she returns. I am very excited.

Christmas was good. It always is, though...

I have spent the last week at my parents house. I realized two things:

-I could never live there again.

-I actually kinda miss them.

I guess its time to get back to real life.

If there is such a thing...