I need to post this. I want you to laugh at my stupidity, and to forgive my apathy...
I had a screaming match with God tonight. I don't really know what brought it on, but I went to the graveyard, lit a cigarette, and started yelling. I asked the question "why" to a myriad of different topics, and honestly, I feel as though I got some answers. Most importantly, though, I asked forgiveness. Not just a general "forgive me, Lord", but a blatant confession of everything that popped in my mind (and I gotta tell you, the list was a lot longer than I had expected).
I asked forgiveness for my detachment from Him, first of all. I forgiveness towards my apathy towards people, for my criticisms and cynicism and sarcasm and blatant disrespect of anyone who had anything to do with a halfway traditional belief system. I asked forgiveness for my lack of love, the one trait I preach so fervently, or at least I used to, before I stopped caring...
I asked forgiveness for doubt, my lack of faith, my lack of ambition,for my complacency, for wasting the talents He has given me, for taking credit for those talents as my own. I asked forgiveness for not praying, for not studying, for not believing.
I spent a good amount of time asking for humility. I'm pretty sure He laughed at me.
At this point He began to show me things that needed to be forgiven. Top of the list? Meg.
A woman is to be treated as precious, as fragile, with the respect of a queen. In such matters I have failed so miserably it pains me to think about it. I've been too wrapped up in my own shit to notice.
For not listening. For not understanding. For not motivating. For treating her as property. For expecting her to do as I say. For my pride. For my apathy. For my words.
I then prayed for the students and faculty of TTU. I prayed that they would see past the facades and fraudulence of the pastors and preachers of chapel, that they could see past the commercialism, the capitalism, the impassionate and ill-informed "evangelists" that are in front of them all the time. I prayed that they could see the love of some of the teachers at the school. I prayed for revival.
I have to be honest, I haven't cried that hard in months. For the first time in a long time, I feel like Jesus and I are on the same page. I just hope it can stay this way for a little while...
"I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah"
-Leonard Cohen, Hallelujah
