You're a thousand miles away but girl tonight you look so pretty...

I miss them.

I miss them all.

I miss one of them most of all.

Bleed these words onto the canvas...

I feel as though I'm bursting with the desire to write again. I've allowed myself to get so caught up in day to day life that I've forgotten to live. I haven't written since June, so here is the synopsis of these last few months:

First and foremost I have been set free from the prison I built around myself. A beautiful girl strolled right through the walls, and has warmed my heart so purely that my passion for life has begun to thrive. I appreciate every moment that I'm with her, and those times that we are apart are just a reminder that although she doesn't define life, life is better when she's around.

Second, I have begun to let go of the bitterness that I hold in my heart towards the church and judgemental hypocritical followers. Many of these people are the way that they are because it makes them feel better about their own flaws. Some, however, are this way because they truly believe they are right, and they truly love others, wanting only what is best for them. This realization has been a hard pill for me to swallow, but the bitterness is only bringing me down.

Third, I am back into the art of creating music for the first time in years. No one could ever understand what this means to me. Although I'm not overly talented, nor am I looking to make music for a living, music is like my life blood. I breathe it, feel it, am moved by it. No other force could possibly have such an effect.

I feel as though my life has fallen into place, the way God had intended it to so long ago. For the first time in a long time, I know what I'm doing, I know where I'm going, and those things which are unkown, I have Faith that my Jesus is going to reveal those things in due time. I have been in a cold-hearted state of bleak existence for too long...

People. Being people. Being human. Beautiful, wretched, sinful, magnificent  humanity, lived out in daily lives. Is it so much to ask? To want to just...be? I live my life, I love my life. Shouldn't you?

Part of the novel I'm writing...

She stood there, on the rooftop outside his window, looking out into the city lights. The moon shone brilliantly from the dark night sky, and her hair reflected the light with such brilliance that, for a moment, he was positive she was an angel. He paused, taking in the scene, before climbing out the window and handing her the coffee he had made.
"Thanks, I needed this tonight," she said. He wanted to respond, to tell her how beautiful she was, but instead all he could do was shoot her a cheesy grin and take a sip from his own mug.
"I thought, you know, after everything that happened last night, that you could use some company."
She smiled, a pure and genuine smile, and they sat in silence, soaking in the moonlight, with Dawson wishing they had met under more desirable circumstances....

humanity was never meant to be alone...

Could this really be happening?

So I find myself in yet another strange position...

A position where interests collide with attraction...

I can't seem to figure myself out...

And right now I don't want to.

Back and forth through my mind behind a cigarette

Last night I had a good time. A really good time. I think it was because I could be myself, completely, and it was ok because these people are real. There is nothing superficial, nothing condescending. Just people, being people. It's an unusual occurrence to me, but a welcome one.

Life has really gotten to me as of late. Every time I wake up the world seems a little darker, a little colder. I know this isn't the case, yet I can't seem to shake the feeling of being poor and alone. I suppose its just part of it. Part of this journey, this great exodus called life, a means to our eternal end. The journey continues, with or without me.

In the film titled "Across the Universe", the statement is made that "music is the only thing that makes sense anymore." I wholeheartedly agree. I find myself escaping more and more into it, creating, in a sense, an alternate existence. One where I control my surroundings. I like it there.

I love this town. I love my friends. I love life.

It just gets difficult sometimes.

Somedays I sit and wonder who I really am...

Who is that staring at me in the mirror?
I wonder what he is like...
Is he outgoing or introspective?
What is his style?
Music, clothes, movies?
Or how about his motivation?
Why does he continue to live on earth?
Does he believe in God?
Does he believe in anything at all?
Why?
Why are his eyes sad, why is his smile always a fraud?
Why is his face like a mask designed to hide his heart?
He seems so unsure...
No direction, no purpose, no motivation, no love, no hate, no emotion at all,
just pain, but even the pain is gone
Numb
Cold
Black
The color I see surrounding his heart some days...
He reminds me of a song
Something haunting, a melody played in all minor scales
Unresolved chords with no resolution
Occasionally a major will come and all will seem right
But the joy will die out, and the gloomy melody will return...
Who is this man?
This man staring at me in the mirror?

Bleak hope

My whole body aches from carrying these burdens so long
I'm so alone.
I have companions, those to pass the time with, share a good laugh with...
Yet I'm still alone.
I feel as though I've locked myself away,
In a dungeon of sorts, the type with bars and chains
Emotional barriers built to keep people from gaining entry to my heart
It's cold in this cell, these black wall closing in on all that brings me joy
My faith is fading, my heart is burning with the desire to be free and love again
I don't even think I can...