We are the love, the love riot!

Ok, new band. Worth Dying For. Check them out at www.iamammo.com. Pretty amazing worship stuff.

I've never been the "New Year's Resolution" type. I've always figured that if something needed to change, it could be changed at any point. This year, however, will see some pretty major resolutions from me. Will they be kept? We will find out.

When I go down, I go down hard

Ruined a perfectly wonderful Christmas holiday with a bit of anger this morning. Not really sure what happened, honestly. I just kind of snapped. First time in a long time this has happened.

I was surfing through music on the car ride home from Knoxville, and came across this one, one of my favorites from Relient K. Describes the day perfectly.

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again

When love came down

So it's Christmas, yet again. I know this seems very Scrooge of me, but I honestly just wish it could be over. Don't get me wrong, I love the lights and sounds and smells and decor of the holidays, but the whole practice of Christmas just seems less and less meaningful as time goes on.

I remember as a kid, I would be sitting in my granddad's smoke-filled den, watching old Christmas films or something Nascar related. They would tell me to go to sleep, and I would lay there, wide awake, unable to contain my excitement. What was Santa going to bring me this year?

Growing older (and consequently more cynical) has taught me that much of what I thought to be true of Christmas simply isn't.

-Santa doesn't exist

-Peace on earth doesn't exist and never will

-The date, December 25th, was chosen to correspond with the Roman winter solstice celebrations. thus Christmas is nothing more than a Christianized pagan celebration anyway.

-The pretty little Nativity scene that we are all so familiar with is extremely inaccurate.

-Even most "churches" don't understand the past and origins of the modern day holiday.

It is becoming more and more frustrating to me how blatantly uneducated the American public, specifically those in our churches can be. Christmas is a time when, at least for now, we as Christians can bring the center of our faith to the forefront of American's minds. (And the minds of the rest of the world, for that matter.) Instead, we worry ourselves with frivolous follies such as whether or not the cashier at Wal-Mart wished you "Merry Christmas".

How ridiculously vain must we be?

Now that we've got that over with, I will be in TN without internet for a couple of days. so here and now I wish you, with the warmest intentions, a very merry Christmas.

We've been on the run, driving in the sun, looking out for #1

Quesadillas, personality tests, some guitar and djimbe, rockband, and late night talks on the roof. It's been a good night.

Our house, in the middle of the street

Hooray for Verizon commercials and awesome 80's pop songs.

I had forgotten just how long and frustrating video editing can be. Yes, I did do this professionally for time. Yes, I was getting paid then. Yes, that made it easier.

ChromeBook= No video editing abilities at all. That was expected, but still a little depressing.

Speaking of the chromebook, a good friend of mine, Mike, just received one as well. So, as all good geek buddies do, we decided to do some testing. Gtalk video chat actually worked surprisingly well, although the framerate was very low. I think a lot of that had to do with my internet connection, though. Upon running a speed test with Gtalk up I realized I was only running under 1meg down. No good.

Testing a new cloud app called audiobox.fm. (www.audiobox.fm) Essentially it's cloud storage with a built in media player, but it has some pretty good reviews, so I'm giving it a shot.

Still don't like Macs. Bleh.

Written on a Lenovo S10e Netbook.

Take, Take, Take it all

So buffalo chicken cheese dip is one of my new favorite foods. Mmmm.

I find it amazing that I have such a tight core group of friends, in spite of distance and experience and yadayada. We don't gather often, but when we do, little has changed.

I can't help but feel like God is on the verge of breaking down some walls and doing something incredible. He's spent the past year tearing me down, breaking down my social molds and stereotypical prejudices and forcing me to focus on Him and really nail down EXACTLY what I believe, in the most detailed and well-researched way possible. May 2011 be my rebuilding year, when God takes the demolished rubble of my own ideals and builds something useful out of it.

I got an email today from the Cove church in Statesville about throwing a New Year's Eve party at the Upper Room. After much correspondence via e-mail, the leadership of the UR are pleased to announce the New Year's Dedication Celebration! It is masquerade themed, there will most likely be food and such, and it's gonna be awesome. We are going to worship in the New Year! What better way to celebrate than to thank God for the triumphs and trials of 2010, and to bring His blessing on 2011!

I'm typing this on a MacBook instead of the ChromeBook. I'm pretty sure I like the CR-48 better ;)

Vindicated, I am selfish I am wrong

Thanks Barney for getting Dashboard stuck in my head.

Upper Room was really good tonight. Lots of cool stuff happening there in the coming months.

Yogurt, Cocoa Pebbles and mandarin oranges. Mmmm.

My iTunes is being stupid. Thanks, Apple.

Trade in all our words for tea and sympathy

New discovery: Sweet tea goes very well with Cranberry Pomegranate fruit juice.

I broke out the Jars of Clay "Much Afraid" album today. Good for the soul? Oh yes.

I haven't read anything of any consequence for many days now. My time has been preoccupied with other, less important things.

Two bands at the UR tonight: After the Fall and Revolution 180. Should be a good time.

I had an angel's smile hiding a vulture's bite

The chromebook is quickly becoming my new best friend. The cloud plus starbucks equals a pretty good time with Jaclyn.

I accidentally came across the twitter account of an ex love, and upon reading it (which was a really bad idea) all of those terrible feelings came rushing back to me. And here I thought I was doing so well...

I could never get over what you've done to me

I have revived an old addiction. NeedToBreathe's new album, "The Outsiders", is pretty much great.

So this morning, 1 o'clock in the morning to be exact, I woke up, and upon stepping out of my bed realized that my floor was under water! Apparently an outdoor faucet had been left running, and the water seeped through the ground and under my walls. That was a fun experience. Thankfully I don't think much was damaged.

McDonald's parfaits. mmmm...

So my Cadillac, which has a bad habit of killing the battery, has been in the shop the last couple of weeks, and they just informed me that it can't be fixed. That is really lame.

If anyone has a guitar amp they don't want, I really need one. Just sayin'.

Bought a parachute at a church rummage sale

It's absolutely amazing how some friendships are formed.

Christmas + mall = Crazy drivers, no parking, decorations, sales, carols, and so much fun.

Owl City is my new driving music. It's just so great to drive to.

I don't think it has been above freezing in two days. Thank you Jesus for mugs of hot drinks.

I can't find my camera. I have no idea where it went.

I almost forgot to post!

Ok so, blogging regularly is going to take some getting used to...

Cantata is over! *whew*

Now onto some of my other goals. Next stop, Christmas shopping!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

It's seriously nasty outside right now. Sleet and snow and ice and super duper cold.

First night of Cantata, off without a hitch. Oh yeah.

The chromebook has found me increasingly addicted to amateur vlogs on Youtube :)

Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous (neither of which apply to me)

Ok, so I'm going to try and make it a point to blog on a regular basis. Not sure why, and it probably won't last, but here goes.

This choir cantata is killing me. I'll be thankful when it's over and my life can go back to regularly scheduled programming. It's not that its been necessarily difficult at all, it has just taken so much time to get to the point that I'm happy with the A/V.

Most of my friends are going to start returning next week. Very, very exciting.

I started reading the Shack last night. If you haven't read it, then do so. Very good story.

I have decided to make the Chromebook (my affectionate nickname for the cr-48) my primary machine for 7 days, just to see if I can do it. This should be interesting, seeing as how it has no support for iTunes, Skype, or any of my networking and web-building programs. This is day two.

Written on the Chromebook.

Geekdom! Initial review of the CR-48)

Ok, so I've had the Google CR-48 notebook for approximately 24 hours, so its time for a review.

For those who don't know, the CR-48 is an Intel Atom based netbook designed by Google for the purpose of testing it's new Operating System, ChromeOS. ChromeOS is basically an operating system built around a web browser. It doesn't allow you to store any information or programs locally; it's entire purpose is to be a portal to the Cloud. The CR-48 is not a consumer machine, and thus it is lacking in some areas, but as a test machine it's pretty grand.

Hardware Pros: 12 inch screen is the perfect size, 8 hour battery life (supposedly, I haven't really tested that yet, although I've been unplugged for about 2 hours and still have 90% battery), built in 3g, good keyboard, clean design, built in webcam.

Hardware Cons: Trackpad feels a bit clunky, only one usb port (though at the moment it doesn't seem to be very useful), webcam is rather inadequate, not enough video memory.

Software Pros: Holy cow this thing is fast. Boots in less than 10 seconds, hibernates and resumes instantly, and of course, even my 1mb connection at home is blazing with this notebook. Everything is very clean, screen resolution is crystal clear, and the web app store is very user friendly. Chrome automatically syncs all of your apps, themes, etc. across machines, and it actually works (!). Web apps such as jaycut and picnik work very well, very quickly.

Software cons: There is no file manager. This OS is linux based, which means there is a file manager, but it is not accessible at all. There is no built in media player (Google says they are working on this), there is no direct printer support, all printing must be done by way of the "cloud print service", which is basically the same thing as local network printing. It requires your printer to be attached to the network, either by way of its own network interface or by way of another (windows or mac) machine. There is ZERO iPod support (and Apple has no plans to build a cloud centered iTunes). There is very poor support for multiple monitors. The ability to use multiple virtual desktops is there, but it's confusing and less than useful. Flash is really quite primitive, but it seems that Google and Adobe are working very quickly to remedy this. The first time I tried to watch YouTube it looked like a slideshow, but after a few hours (and a couple of reboots) it began playing a little more normally. Hulu still lags a bit, and Netflix is not supported at all (not because of the OS but because Netflix's programmers are dummies!).

All in all there are some things I really like about this notebook, some things I don't like and some things that will take some getting used to. The really beautiful thing about this sort of platform, though, is that it is set up to grow as quickly as web technology itself. Which means those with ChromeOS notebooks will literally be able to watch the technology change and evolve right before their eyes. (Idealistic, I know, but that's kind of the idea behind a cloud OS.)

PS. This blog post written on a CR-48 ChromeOS Notebook :)

I believe, help Thou my unbelief!

It is no secret that the past year hasn't been very good to me. So here we are, Christmas time, and I continually find myself looking at Christmases past and wondering where those times (and friends) went.

More importantly, though, this time is a very blatant reminder of the entire basis of my Faith: the birth of the Word into the world of the flesh.

I've found myself sinking more and more into a constant battle between logic and faith. I can't seem to make the two coincide peacefully, and I can't shut either side up. I'm stuck in the middle of the two little dudes on my shoulder screaming at each other like an old Tom and Jerry cartoon. I'm not sure how much longer this can go on, this constant questioning of everything I KNOW to be true.

I believe Jesus to be the Son of God, the word made flesh.

I believe the canonical Bible to be "God-breathed", and I believe the council of Trent was spirit led in compiling the Scripture.

I believe in eternity, both heaven and hell

I believe in salvation by Faith, and I believe in the fruits produced by such faith

I believe in the indwelling of the Holy Spirit

I believe in the naturally wretched disposition of humanity

I believe in LOVE

Now if only my brain would get on the same page as my heart, I'd be in good shape.

That's me in the spotlight/ Losing my religion

It's a well known fact amongst those I'm closest to that I am, unashamedly, a Gleek. I love the show. However, this evening's episode brought several things to light for me.

Basic synopsis: One of the characters makes a grilled cheese sandwich which he perceives to have an image of Jesus on one side. This leads him to start claiming Christianity and praying to "Grilled Cheesus." He treats the sandwich like a genie and, coincidentally, the sandwich seems to grant his wishes. Meanwhile, another character's dad has a heart attack, and the other members begin talking about that "spirituality stuff", which generally just leads to whatever religion they were raised in. This prompts one of the students to file a complaint with the school board so that religious songs cannot be sung in Glee club.

Facebook is now teeming with comments on how offensive and wrong this episode is, how they've misconstrued Christianity into a bunch of yahoos that believe in a "Santa Clause for adults."

This got me to thinking; don't we? The majority of "Christians" that I know DO treat Jesus like a genie, like a great power that exists primarily to grant all of our wishes. When our wishes don't come true, we respond in one of two ways: We denounce Christianity, or we rationalize with some form of a "not His will" comment.

In the episode, the character who's dad was hospitalized is gay. He makes the statement, "I don't go to church because most churches aren't very friendly to gay people." How true is that? Most every sermon I've heard in the last year has negatively referenced homosexuality in some form. In turn, we've labeled ourselves as self-righteous, arrogant legalists who uphold our laws and don't have any need for loving those whom we deem unworthy. Is this Christ-like?

Actually, on this note, let me rant for a minute. We as Christians are admonished to love unconditionally and accept people as they are. I have many gay friends, many of them professing Christians. They know what the Bible says (some better than me), and I know that God is to be their only judge (let he who is without sin cast the first stone), so why is it that the body of Christ can't seem to love these people? Moreover, why are they the subject of so many sermons? Why not prostitutes, or thieves? In fact, lets bring it closer to home: Why not gluttons? Why don't we condemn the "turn or burn" preachers who fail to disciple or the Christian that doesn't give of his resources cheerfully? Why are we instead making the gay and lesbian demographic feel as though they are worthless and God can't love them? This year, there have been four suicides (that I know of) that were directly related to the condemnation of the person's sexual orientation. HOW CAN WE LET THIS CONTINUE? The fact is that we have succumbed to the same CULTURAL misgivings that led preachers in the 1700s to own slaves and expel blacks from their churches. Anyway...

Ultimately the show ended, not surprisingly, with a resounding Universalist message. The whole thing just further proves that people need a god, something to hold on to, especially in times of trouble. So where do we fit into all of this?

As a side note, by claiming Christianity we are identifying ourselves with the same group of people that led the Crusades, the majority of history's wars, the Spanish Inquisition, and produced people like Pat Roberson and Benny Hen. So it shouldn't surprise anyone when the rest of the educated population wants nothing to do with us.

Tonight I'm Screaming out to the Stars/ I Think That He Owes Me a Favor

Is it really so freaking much to ask? To be useful, to have a purpose, or at least a goal? To not be forced into this measly existence by a corporate giant and a throng of bill collectors? Is it really such an unrealistic vision? To not dread waking up everyday and putting on that god-friggin-awful uniform just so I can leave my soul at the door and lie through my teeth for the sake of my job?

Every time the clock strikes midnight I think to myself "Well, you're one more day closer to death. Did you waste it?"

The answer, every day, is yes.

I know that You have more for me. I know that You know what's going on, why I'm here. So why won't You clue me in on whatever it is? Why am I still wading through this dismal state of being?

I refuse.

I refuse to waste my life. I refuse to waste my talents. I refuse to waste my intelligence. I refuse to waste my research. I refuse to waste my ability to love. I refuse to waste my influence.

I refuse.

I refuse to back down. I refuse to let go. I refuse to give up hope.

New song/ word sketch

2 am and I'm still awake

Staring at the shadows on my walls

Sometimes it feels as though fate has it in for me

Is that just how it goes? Well I suppose...

They tell me everything happens for a reason

I'm not sure that's true

Nothing has led me back to you

I still see you everytime I close my eyes

I still imagine your hair brushing my face from the pillow next to mine

I can't help but wonder where you are or what you're doing now

While I'm doing without

The clock ticks slowly by

But dreaming seems nowhere in sight

With eyes wide open and heart shut tight

I never thought life could be this hard

All alone screaming at the stars

Just me and this old guitar

I still see you everytime I close my eyes

I still imagine your hair brushing my face from the pillow next to mine

I can't help but wonder where you are or what you're doing now

While I'm doing without

So don't you dare tell me

That this was meaningless

Because we both know you're a liar

Yeah we both know you're a liar

Shut up, you don't have the right

To apologize for this

Because we both know you're a liar

Yeah we both know you're a liar

Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs/ and sit alone and wonder/ how you're making out...

Sometimes I really get this burning desire to write something. I don't know what I want to write about, or who I'm writing for, so I'm going to insert the easiest answer to both of these questions as I can muster: ME.

Living in NC has been challenging on all levels thus far, and it doesn't really show signs of getting any easier. I've left all of my friends behind in the city that I so deeply fell in love with to live in my parents basement and work a job in retail. My car is continuously falling apart, and I have very little money and even less opportunity to do anything worthwhile. All of this is very trying. Though I have had a couple of ventures back into dating, there's been nothing even remotely substantial so far, and so I find myself retreating further and further into my own thoughts. Those who know me well know that this can be a rather dangerous situation...

I had the opportunity to attend the evening services at the youth camp that my old "church" was putting on this year. Surprisingly enough, amid technical mishaps and closed minded comments from members, it was a satisfying and uplifting experience, and was exactly what I needed on the spiritual front. I am very thankful that God can move in our lives in spite of ourselves and those around us.

That being said, I still find myself feeling purposeless, with no vision or direction to call my own. For the first time in my life I have no dreams, no ambitions or goals. It all seems so vain, so empty...

I know that I have been blessed with many things that others do not have. I have people literally all over the US who care for me. I was able to obtain and maintain steady employment in the midst of a dark economic downfall. I have a God that calls me His son, His heir.

Long suffering is the most difficult Fruit to obtain.

Viva, Viva Las Vegas

A lot of people have been asking me how my time in Las Vegas went, so I thought it might be time to tell my stories in blogspace. I will not lie, I had one of the best times of my life. The job, the people, the city, everything was great. So let's start with the job...

I had a couple of days off, but for the most part, I was there to work. I was working for HAS productions setting up speakers, lights, and backline for different gigs around Las Vegas. These are all things I've done before, so I was certain that this job would be a piece of cake.

I was wrong.

I've never done anything on this scale before. They were using equipment I'd never heard of, speaking lingo I'd never been exposed to, and soon enough I was completely lost. Over the course of the two weeks I was there, I learned more about the audio industry than I have in any other venture. The work was hard, and the hours were long, but the job was satisfying. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

The people: Larry Hall, my second cousin on my mother's side, is the owner and founder of HAS Productions. He was gracious enough to allow me to stay in his home, eat his food and watch his movies during my time in Vegas. His wife, Lisa, was the best hostess, and a darn good cook as well. They gave me a place to crash and a car to drive, and Lisa fixed dinner almost every night. Their house was awesome. Pool, theater, studio, 3 car garage, guest house... yeah, I could see myself living in a place like that one day.

The City: Come on, y'all, its Vegas. Of course it was awesome. I worked 11 days at the National Finals Rodeo at the Thomas and Mack center right off of Tropicana Drive, so I was on the strip every night. Let me tell you, it's nothing like they say it is. Yeah, the lights are crazy, and the booze is cheap, but the city itself feels more like an amusement park than anything. There's so much to do that it would take weeks to do it all. I officially love the Vegas strip.

All in all, great experience, and I will be going back.